Omega Theater
by Rain Wolf '91
Summary: This is a don't like, don't read fic. Nothing extreme but mature humor.
1. Chapter 1

Kate was completely shocked by the sound of Garth's howl, she could no longer stand to be in his presence. Saying she needed water, Kate sped off as soon as she heard him say he'll keep his vocal cords warm. But what about the other wolves who had to endure the annoying howling? This is what I think should have happened.

"Yaaaaoooo! Yeee!"

"Excuse me!" said a gray wolf annoyed, from below.

"Uh, I think I'm allowed to howl here just like everybody else!" Garth replied boldly. He continued to howl. "Arrroooooooiiii!"

"Do you mind!" called a girl.

"Yes I do!" snapped Garth. "I'm howling music here! This is all me up here! If you can mind that! YYYAAAAA!"

"COULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" shouted a wolf in the distance.

"AAARRROOOOOEEE!" Garth suddenly felt a paw come around his back and rested on his shoulder. "Hey Kate," he acknowledged, noticing the gold colored paw. "You came back just in time! I'm on fire with this howling! YEEEEE!"

"Shut up!" exclaimed a wolf, sounding frustrated.

"I'll come down there, buddy!" responded Garth in a bark. "OOOOOHHH AAAAHHH!"

"For Fenrir's sake! Will you shut your trap!" demanded the frustrated wolf.

"Shut up!" yelled a female Elder wolf.

"AAAAIIIIIEEEE!"

The wolf beside Garth wasn't Kate at all but a male wolf. Creeping a paw across the ground, he picked up a large rock. Before anything else could happen, the rock was snatched out of the wolf's paw. "Give me that!" demanded a gray wolf, and whacked the rock over Garth's head.

"Nice!" commented the female Elder wolf, who climbed up and high pawed with the wolf.

Meanwhile Garth was rubbing his head and growling angrily as he slipped down the rock.

"Go away!" shouted the wolf behind Garth, slamming his head with another rock.

"Ow!" Garth continued to go down the Howling Rock.

"Shut it!" cried a young girl, throwing a rock at his body.

"Your ass is grass!" stated the Elder wolf, throwing a rock at Garth's head.

As Garth was being knocked and pelted with rocks, the tan wolf up top just sat there nodding his head while he watched. He picked up a bone and started chewing on it. And the rocks kept coming at Garth.

"This is for your crappy howling!" shouted a wolf, breaking a large branch over Garth's back.

"You ruined my date!" shouted a girl, slapping his across the face.

Now at the bottom with so many bruises over his body, all the wolves at the top were still throwing rocks as Garth was stumbling. Until he collapsed to ground, all the wolves started cheering. With the cheering at the top of the Howling Rock the tan wolf gently clapped his paws over and over; smiling.

Finally everyone went back to howling. Wolves were smiling. The boys and girls were nuzzled closely together and the tan wolf peacefully rested against the stone. Chewing on the scraps of his bone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Salty's Joke**

**I own nothing**

"Who is entering my den?" called Eve's old voice.

"It's your son in-law," replied Humphrey enthusiastically. "And my _best_ friend Salty."

"Oh, well then come in my dears. Come come, give me kisses."

Almost sure that he misheard Salty glanced at Humphrey who didn't seem to notice the awkward request of Eve, instead he was walking towards Eve, bending his head low to Eve and gave her a lick over her cheek. Now thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him, Salty gave Humphrey a look that said 'are-you-serious?'

Humphrey walked back over to Salty and silently whispered, "Kiss her."

Salty gave Humphrey a cross look as he whispered, "... Fuck no."

"You have to do it on the side of her muzzle. It makes her feel good about herself. Oh, come on," whispered Humphrey impatiently, seeing that Salty wasn't budging, "I do it every time I visit her... Kate makes me..."

Salty gave Humphrey one last weird look before slowly edging his way over to Eve who was greeting him with a nice grin. Barely returning the smile, Salty reluctantly bent down. "Hello Eve... Nice to see you."

Eve turned her cheek for her kiss from Salty and in a flash his tongue met the side of her muzzle and zipped back inside his mouth After that he quickly retreated back to Humphrey's side, ready to leave now. Apparently that wasn't going to happen any time soon because Humphrey sat himself down. Letting out a sigh, he did the the same.

"So what have you two boys been up to lately?" asked Eve sweetly.

"Well with Kate still training the pups and it being a rainy day, me and Salty thought you could use some company. The most gorgeous Alpha who ever ran the pack." Humphrey complimented.

"You don't mean that," said Eve bashfully.

There was a short pause before Salty caught Humphrey's eye and realized what he wanted from him. Clearing his throat, he spoke with a forced smile, "Yeah... I mean no! No you're still _frighteningly beautiful_."

A flash of lightning suddenly filled the den and just as it had come, Salty felt a paw smack across the back of his head. The yelp of pain escaped from him was covered by a loud clap of thunder.

"Oh goodness," said Eve worriedly, peering outside. "Winston is still outside. I hope he's on his way home and everyone else should be in their dens."

"That's an excellent idea and as Alpha, I will go and make sure everyone is safe and warm," replied Humphrey, beginning to leave. "Salty, you should stay here."

"You don't have to do that, Humphrey," said Salty, jumping in front of him. "I'm still the Omega here. I'll go do that job for you."

"I can't risk sending my best Omega in the storm." Humphrey said modestly, before giving Salty a furious look and whispered darkly. "_You can either stay here or I will tell everyone that you're mom called you her 'Salty Bunny!' I'll tell Garth._"

_"Go ahead,"_ remarked Salty. _"I'll tell everyone you wet yourself when a human had a gun pointed at you! And I'll be sure to tell Garth."_

_"What? Who- Kate!"_ snapped Humphrey, shaking his paw out to the storm.

"Not arguing I hope boys?" asked Eve, voice being dangerously nice.

"No!" Humphrey and Salty said fearfully at the same time

"Just stay here please?" begged Humphrey quietly. "Eve's old. She needs someone to talk to. I promise I'll be right back because I really do need to check if everyone is safe in their dens."

"You better come back!" snarled Salty.

With that Humphrey disappeared out into the rain.

Salty ran to the entrance of the den only to come face to face with a soaking wet, unhappy and old Winston. Shaking the wet out of his fur, Salty backed up several paces trapping him inside the den. This is really uncomfortable, he thought to himself.

"Winston, honey!" Eve spoke happily. "I'm glad you're out of the storm. Salty here had just dropped by to visit us!"

"Did he now?" spoke Winston, in his old and gravelly voice making Salty feel uneasy. "Listen Salty, I'm having a really horrible day. How about telling me a joke?"

"Now?" asked Salty nervously.

Winston laid down next to Eve. "Now would be just perfect."

"Um... OK..." Salty thought of this one joke and began to tell it. "So there was this Red wolf, Gray wolf and Blonde wolf stranded on an island. And so the red wolf looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned."

Salty scratched at his neck before going on.

The second one, the gray wolf, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The gray wolf had a lot more endurance than the red wolf, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the Blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island..."

Suddenly going into a pause, Salty had just came to realize that Eve was _blonde_! Her daughter Kate was _blonde_!

"I- I'm," Salty chuckled, "I'm not funny today." He started shuffling his way out. "It's a terrible joke..."

Taking a deep breath, Winston rose up and scratched behind his ear. Soon as his focus came over Salty, he froze in his steps.

"Continue the joke," pressed Winston.

"...The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back...

There was a major awkward silence; Salty gulped. I am dead. So dead. Very. very. very dead. Humphrey, where are you?

Winston and Eve stared at Salty for a long time and then stared at each other; Eve started to chuckle and then Winston laughed out loud. Salty felt safe enough to actually laugh himself.

"So she swam back," repeated Winston, laughing.

In the middle of their laughter, Salty began to make his way out by walking out backwards, hoping not to visit for a long time.

"Tell me another joke," stated Winston, before Salty was almost gone.

Salty went stopped and went wide-eyed. "What was that?"


End file.
